Then again, unbridled contemptuousness is best derived from observation, as opposed to - let's say - common sense. In hopes of remaining unbiased and impartial, I decide to meet some actual Christian cheerleaders. Two days after my conversation with Coleman, I attend a pregame practice of the Grace Christian School cheerleaders. Grace Christian, as Anchorage readers may already know, is a private religious indoctrination establishment boasting nearly 500 obsequious drones. I mean, "students." Whups, Freudian slip.

Anyway, before actually meeting the Grace Christian cheerleaders themselves, I speak with Mary Lou Ward, coach of the squad. What follows is a transcript of our conversation, held atop the observation deck of Grace Christian's cheerleading practice room:

MB: How do you feel Grace's cheerleaders are different than normal cheerleaders?

Mary Lou: We're the same, really, but we have to watch the music. We're a Christian school . . . so we don't do a lot of "Hey baby" lyrics that wouldn't really go along with our philosophy here. We do a lot without words.

MB: So there's not much of a difference between normal cheerleading and Christian cheerleading.

Mary Lou: Not too much other than some of the movements when they're out on the floor.

MB: Could you please be more specific?

Mary Lou: We don't do a lot of the hip movements.

MB: The wiggling.

Mary Lou: Yeah, the wiggling hip movements.

MB: The bump and the grind.

Mary Lou: Yeah, there you go.

MB: How do you think cheerleading helps girls develop confidence and morals and whatever else cheerleading is supposed to help girls develop?

Mary Lou: The one thing I've noticed just this year is communication skills. They're getting their point across to the other seven or eight team members. And showing up, being on time. It's not a sport where the coach can just bench the one that's not pulling their weight. Once you're on a cheerleading squad, you've got to be there and do your part.

MB: Does the Christianity aspect tie into the cheerleading at all?

Mary Lou: There are good kids everywhere, and I'm not saying that at Christian school the kids are any better. But I personally can see how their faith in Jesus Christ really helps them temper their bad moods, get along with each other, be peacemakers.

MB: Are there any cheers for the religion itself? Like, I don't know, "Stop Abortion Now, Yaaay!"

Mary Lou: Oh no.

MB: Now, cheerleaders kind of have a bad reputation in high school.

Mary Lou: They are so aware of the cheerleading stereotype, like "How does my hair look?", and looks and appearance.

MB: And "Where's the mattress?"

Mary Lou: Yeah, and the morals. They hate that. We have tried to be more of an athletic team. We want it to be more of a sport. ... They're a bunch of really good, moral girls.

MY CHAT WITH THE BUNCH OF REALLY GOOD, MORAL GIRLSIt's at this point Mary Lou leads me from the upper-observation deck to the practice room itself, where I see five girls jumping up and down in black gym clothes, shouting various pathetic cries for attention. I mean, "cheers." Their names are Lindsey (squad captain), Kelli, Jenny, Lindsey and Taylor. Mary Lou introduces the girls, and they seem enthralled that a real newspaper reporter has come to do a big story on little ol' them.

"So how are you blowing the cheerleading stereotype out of the water?" I ask, with added emphasis on "blowing."

"We don't do it just to show off," Kelli says.

"I think cheerleading is just, like, a biblical thing," Lindsey predicates, "because it's, like, encourage your brother, and all that kind of stuff. Cheering them on, so they can do their best. You're supposed to support your brothers and sisters and Christ."

"You're on Jesus' team," I jest.

"Yeah," she replies.

"So how do you feel about the stereotype of cheerleaders being a giant race of bimbos?"

"A lot of times you are in those short skirts and the little briefs and stuff, and you're out there kicking. And if that's what your focus is, yeah, you can get attention from that. It all depends what your motives are. And I think that kind of reflects when you're out there cheering, and the crowd, I don't think, I don't know, you're just not doing your job when you do that."

"So your skirts aren't longer than the normal schools', are they?" I ask.

"No."

"Because I spoke with a woman at the Christian Cheerleaders of America who said their cheerleaders wear the skirts down to their knees," I say.

"I know some schools do that," Kelli replies. "But I think that's almost, kind of, I don't know . . ."

"INSANE?"

"Yeah, that's like separating us. Like, because yeah, I mean, there's nothing wrong, I mean, with that. You know, I mean, you can go to a swim meet and all that kind of stuff, and they're in bathing suits, and I don't think it's that big of a deal."

"We don't do the moves that are suggestive," Mary Lou adds.

"Yeah, we don't do those," Kelli reiterates.

"Our uniforms are modest," Mary Lou continues. "We ordered ours to be made one inch longer than what's in the typical catalog. But they're still plenty short."

"So why do you cheer?" I ask Taylor.

"It's fun when everyone is yelling along with you," she says. "And the, like, the teams are just like (strange vocal sound effect, sounds like "Woooooouuuuheeeee"). It's just really cool. And they like it. That's why they come."

"Would you still cheer if you didn't go to Grace Christian, or is the Jesus aspect what attracts you to it?" I ask Lindsey.

"It depends on the other girls', like, attitude towards it," she explains.

"So if they were Atheists and Agnostics and Wicans and Satanists and whatever, you wouldn't go for that?"

"If they were, like, forcing that on me, I sure wouldn't."

(Long moment of silence.)

"Are you a Christian?" Mary Lou asks me.

"No," I say. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she replies, with a warm smile. "Don't feel bad about it."

AND BEFORE YOU TELL ME I'M GOING TO HELL . . .

Just remember Hell exists only in the empty hearts of those who wish pain and suffering upon their fellow man. Plus, there can be no Hell if there is no God, which - perhaps you've noticed this at one point or another - is a very good possibility. But in all fairness to my theist readers, humanity will never know whether or not a higher power really is up there, so holding an opinion on the issue is worthless in the first place.

And as for cheerleading, anyone who so listlessly participates in that waste of human capacity is clearly demonstrating deep-rooted signs of severe mental illness.

"For ye serve the Lord Christ," my white hairy ass.